We’ve all been there: Somehow, you’ve said too much. The other person freaks out and leaves. You are left broken, frazzled by your own honesty and wondering if maybe, just maybe, the other person wasn’t mature enough to handle the fact that you refuse to play games. Of course not everything has to be serious right away but you’re the type of person who goes after what they want. You know what they say though – if it’s meant to be, it will come right back to you. I wish I could believe all of this. It kind of reminds me of that Taylor Swift line in “Forever & Always” of, “Did I say something way too honest / Made you run and hide like a scared little boy.” You literally can’t win either way.
Starting off the list with “Wrong Impression” by Natalie Imbruglia seemed like a no-brainer. The frustration grows, however, during “Soap” by Melanie Martinez as she states, “I’m sick of all the games I have to play” and “I’m tired of being careful, gentle, trying to keep the water warm / Let me under your skin.” My favorite track of 2015, “Unsaid” by flor, echoes my sentiments from the past three months – “Are these feelings I long for best left unsaid?” while “Memo” by Years & Years is one last cry as singer Olly Alexander softly croons, “Are you gonna burn? Are you gonna hurt? Gonna answer me?”
Whatever I may have said to someone in an e-mail, I meant. I meant that he was special and I also meant that I’d be honored if he’d make an appearance in my life somehow, some way. Because when you discover that there are people like you in this dark world, you want to hold on to them. You want to make sure that they know that they are loved and cared for because you’ve experienced the pain of not feeling that yourself. I wanted to thank him for making what could have been a harrowing summer into a season of hope. I said a lot of things, but I held back a lot, too. As Imbruglia sings in the chorus, “All I want to do is make a connection” – that’s all I wanted. Yet, here I am, three months later still foolishly waiting for a reply that got lost in the shadows of his limelight (see: Fleurie‘s “Wildwood”) and public winnings while wondering if I scared him off or made him think I wanted more than just a connection. Hearing anything back would have been nice, but I expect too much from people. “Anything hurts less than the quiet.” LANY‘s “BRB” brings everything into focus with the so-sad-it’s-true part of, “BRB I’m gonna throw myself against the wall.” Indeed. 😛
If by any wild chance this person is reading this right now, I want to say I’m sorry for everything that may have scared you off, but I can’t…because I meant it all and I will never apologize for being genuine in a world full of never-ending facades. Yes, those songs I sent you were all for you. Every last word, every note. I opened up my heart to you at a time when I barely had any of it left to give and your silence cut me deeper than anything I may have experienced this summer. I know you don’t owe me anything, but let this be a confirmation that I’m not like all the others and it takes more than you know for me to reach out to someone who has touched my heart.
“I thought you were special. I thought you should know.”